DS Muppets
by Thor2000
Summary: What if Lara Parker from the Sixties Gothic drama Dark Shadows starred on the Muppet Show?


CHAPTER ONE

A short young man rushed across the back stage and up the stairs to the top landing. He stopped at the second door and knocked as someone allowed him entry.

"Lara Parker? Fifteen seconds till curtain, Mrs. Parker."

"Thank you, Scooter." The beautiful Dark Shadows actress paced learning her musical numbers for the show. "Um, I don't want to bother you, but why is it so cold and dark in here?"

"Oh," Scooter walked up to her. "You see, we're having work done to the theater for the first time in ten years and the heat and some of the power has been shut off."

"Oh," She turned and noticed fog. "And that?"

"I guess that's from the heat outside getting in and hitting the cold air."

"Oh," Lara suddenly heard an organ doing a funeral dirge. "And what was that?"

"Gonzo rehearsing for his Halloween themed sketch on the show." Scooter looked up to her. "If it's going to bother you, I can tell him to stop."

"Oh, that's okay..." Lara looked into the camera. "It's just starting to feel too much like home in Collinsport."

"Check..." Scooter signed off and scampered away.

"Send Johnathan Frid and David Selby in here and it would seem Dark Shadows was never cancelled." She added with a bemused rise of her eyebrows in her close-up.

A drum roll started on stage as Kermit The Frog came out.

"Welcome to the Muppet Show and our very special guest star, Miss Lara Parker. Yay!" He started the show.

The band struck up the tune as the curtains parted. Several Muppet monsters started marching out to the show theme as the pointed to the Muppet dancers.

"It's time to start the music!" They sang; they danced. "It's time to dress up right. It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight!"

"It's time to put on make up; it's time to light the lights. It's time to get things started..."

"So why don't you get things started..." The audience loved the chance to join in the theme song.

"Oh why can't they just be funny?" Two old geezers chimed in from the balcony.

"It's time to get things started..." Kermit took his place center stage. "For the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational...

"This is what we call The Muppet Show!"

Gonzo was lowered in the show sign ready to strike the gong. Before he could, Crazy Harry pushed in a plunger and blew him over the audience over fifty feet! Harry started laughing his long sadistic laugh.

CHAPTER TWO

The audience of the small theatre started applauding as the three-foot high host walked out and revealed himself. Kermit just sort of mustered a grin as he introduced his show.

"Hi ho, and welcome to the Muppet Show." He began. "And have we got a great Halloween show for you tonight full of vampires, ghosts and monsters of every sort and our extra special guest feels right at home around this sort of jazz. Tonight we have the star of Dark Shadows, Miss Lara Parker..."

The audience awed a bit as they clapped.

"Yes," Kermit continued. "Now don't get scared as things get a little spooky..." Something white darted over his head as he looked off stage. "Hey, watch it with those special effects!"

"Wasn't me." Bunsen Honeydew gestured with his machines.

"And now," Kermit continued. "The beautiful Miss Lara Parker..." He strolled out of the way as the curtains parted on what looked like a creepy cemetery. The Muppet monsters ambled around the fake tombstones and a boiling cauldron as a figure in black rose up behind it. Two arms peeled back the hood as Lara's grin spread from cheek to cheek.

"That old black magic has me in its spell," She started singing and gesturing over the pot.  
"That old black magic that you weave so well...  
"Icy fingers up and down my spine...  
"The same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine..."

Her head looked up as more spooky ghosts and creepy specters floated through the stage.

"The same old tingle that I feel inside...  
"When that elevator starts its ride..." Her voice fell in perfect pitch to the music as she went from enchantments to enchanting.

"Down and down I go, round and round I go...  
"Like a leaf that's caught in the tide..." The other Muppet monsters joined her around the cauldron dropping random ingredients into her brew as Fozzie Bear popped up dressed like a black crow.

"Aren't you supposed to be a big black bat?" She broke song to acknowledge him.

"He asked for too much money." Fozzie answered.

"I should stay away but what can I do..." Lara continued singing.  
"I hear your name, and I'm all aflame..." Her pace quickened as she dropped her long robes to reveal her more form-fitting Elvira-dress.

"Aflame with such a burning desire...  
"That only your kiss can put out the fire..." The monsters started doing back up.

"You are the lover that I've waited for...  
"The mate that fate had me created for...  
"And every time your lips meet mine..." She started wishing she had got to sing and dance on her own series.

"Baby down and down I go, all around I go...  
"In a spin, loving the spin that I'm in...  
"Under that old black magic called love..." She wasn't sure she could hit that high note but she sure did. The audience roared with delight to her spectacular talent as two old geezers watched from the balcony.

"Scary, a bit scary..." One of them said.

"Those monsters weren't that scary."

"Not them." Waldorf looked up. "My wives when she finds out I've been watching a sexy witch."

Kermit was watching from the wings as he returned to his stand.  
"Very good, monsters, very good." He checked the schedule. "Veterinarian's Hospital up next." He called into his call box.

"Mr. Kermit, Mr. Kermit..." Bunsen scurried up in a panic with his assistant Beaker carrying a heavy piece of equipment.

"Oh Bunsen," The famous TV Frog looked up. "Very good with the effects."

"Well, that's what I wanted to tell you." Bunsen looked through his glasses as Beaker hemmed around a bit. "Some of it wasn't mine."

"What?" Kermit did a double take as something white whistled overhead.

"Yes," Bunsen turned to the gear Beaker was holding. "I've been doing some readings and it appears all the construction in the theatre has frightened up some real ghosts."

Another white presence flitted overhead screeching its whistling scream.

"Just once I'd like to get through a show without another catastrophe." He turned to an imaginary audience in the backstage area.

CHAPTER THREE  
Lara Parker paced back and forth in her dressing room learning a new song as she heard a light rapping at her door. She turned toward it as it opened and another famous TV profile entered and looked around.

"Lara, Lara, dear..." Miss Piggy looked for her.

"Mrs. Piggy," Lara shined and looked up. "Can I help you?" Her face lit up to be so close to another prime time star.

"Well, sweetheart," Piggy entered with a toss of her long blonde locks and hurried over in her high heels as Lara sat at her vanity to be at eye level with her. "Lara, I need help. I need your help to get my Kermie."

"Oh," Lara smiled to her. "Well, how can I help?"

"Well, " Piggy continued as the two beauties stared eye to eye. "I know on your show how you finally got your true love. I was hoping you could teach some spells to get my Kermie to come to me."

"Piggy," Lara gasped a bit overwhelmed. "You do know that is just a TV show. I'm not really a witch and Johnathan Frid is not..."

"But Lara..." Mrs. Piggy was desperate. "I know all that, but I'm desperate. Please..."

"But Piggy..."

"Please?"

"Well..." Lara reluctantly gave in as she looked around the dressing room. She clicked her tongue a few times as she thought. "Have you... Tried cooking for him?"

"Oh, yes, yes..." Piggy looked up to her. "Why just last week I made him a nice grasshopper and cricket pizza!"

"Oh," Lara felt a bit queasy as she held her abdomen and looked away. "And did he like that?"

"No," Piggy answered. "He said he preferred a ham sandwich."

"And what did you do?"

"I knocked him out!"

"Oh," Lara smirked a bit bemused as she rolled her eyes. "Have you... tried to do something else nice for him, like maybe got him a gift?"

"Well," Piggy looked as if she had never considered that. "Well, I'm so used to getting gifts, I never considered giving. I'll try it! Thank you, Lara!" She kissed the beautiful blonde Dark Shadows star, spun around and hurried out excitedly. Lara grinned and turned to an imaginary audience watching her backstage drama.

"Actually," She confessed. "This sort of thing happens to me a bit more than you realize."

CHAPTER FOUR

"And now, Veterinarian's Hospital…" The announcer began. "The continuing story of a quack who has gone to the dogs…"

Rowlf the Dog had left his piano to prove he was a funnier comic than Fozzie. Clad in a surgeon's costume, Janice from the band and Mrs. Piggy became his nurses as they delivered lines to him that he turned to jokes both funny and irreverent.

"It's horrible… horrible!" Rowlf hammed up his act by playing his lines straight next to an empty hospital gurney. "But I lost another patient."

"Do you lose him in surgery?" Piggy asked.

"No, the waiting room." Rowlf grinned. "He passed out when I gave him my bill!" They started laughing out loud.

"Well," Janice fed him another routine. "How much did you charge him?"

"About twenty feet." Rowlf grinned. "I charged at him from the distance of my office." They started cracking up again.

"Do you lose a lot of patients this way?" Piggy asked.

"No, never," Rowlf insisted. "I never lose my patients."

"What about the one youaccidentally fed nitroglycerin to?" Piggy asked amongst bales of laughter

"I found him again." Rowlf grinned glad she asked. "In Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, North and South Carolina!" They began cracking with laughter as an odd whistling noise floated over them in a faint white image.

"Wait a second," Janice held up a book. "That's not in the script."

"That's never stopped us before." Piggy answered to roars of laughter.

"Hey," Rowlf caught a glimpse of the apparition. "We've got a ghost to ghost broadcast!" They broke up again to roars of laughter.

"Wow, man," Janice looked up to the ephemeral shade flitting through the rafters. "I think we've got some of your mail. It's in the dead letter office!" Rowlf cracked over with laughter over the gurney and Piggy fell on top of him. There was jostling from the light over their heads as it crashed down next to them.

"He's got to be a critic." Rowlf remarked.

"How can you tell?" Piggy looked at him.

"Can't you tell he's a ghost writer?" They doubled over in laughter once more. From back stage, Kermit watched the tomfoolery. Lara Parker stood next to him watching the frantic phantom flitting through the curtains over the stage.

"I guess things like this happened a lot on your show." Kermit asked the statuesque beauty.

"Kermit," Lara looked down upon him. "The only real spirits we ever had was when someone replaced the fake liquor with the real stuff." She paused to pull a long lock of her blonde hair back. "It took five months for both Louis Edmonds and John Karlen to come out of that hangover!"

CHAPTER FIVE  
Kermit The Frog looked as he watched Gonzo being lead from stage once more on a stretcher. The crazy cuckoo looked up wearily with his feathers burning toward Kermit.

"It worked just find in rehearsal." He laid his head back as the chickens carried him to the doctor. Kermit turned to his prompter's desk.

"Set up for the last number after Fozzie!" He called as Fozzie entertained the crowd. Mrs. Piggy was on her way to him while he remained distracted.

"Kermie, love..." She expressed her devotion to him. "It is time you devoted your ever-lasting love to me."

"Oh, who put that record on again?" Kermit responded to someone else as Piggy thought he was talking to her.

"I just have to tell you of the love in my heart." She replied.

"Well, get it out of there!" Kermit yelled at the janitor cleaning up after Gonzo's disastrous act.

"For a long time," Piggy continued. "I've been trying to get your heart..."

"You got it!" Kermit yelled to the custodian. "Take it away!"

"I do?" Piggy was ecstatic. "I've never felt like this before. What is this feeling coming over me?"

"Lemon juice!" Kermit yelled. "That ought to clean up those stains."

"Stains?" Piggy was confused. "Yes, you are a stain in my heart, and one I'll never wipe away."

"Don't wipe it." Kermit instructed the clean up crew. "Mop it up. It will go faster. Faster!"

"I'm going as fast as I can!" Piggy never felt so light on her feet. "Oh Kermit, take me!"

"Piggy?" Kermit looked behind him. "Oh, did you say something?"

"What?" Piggy realized he hadn't been talking to her. "Yes, listen closely, frog, hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, yah!"

Kermit sailed on over Fozzie's head as he flew back from that karate chop. As he landed on stage, he blinked and wearily lifted himself to his feet.

"Ladies and Gentlemen..." He gasped. "The beautiful Mrs. Lara Parker..." He fell over as the curtains over. The cleaning staff carried Kermit out of the way as the talented Dark Shadows actress stood before a set made up as a haunted house. Lara beamed to her fans as transparent ghosts floated harmlessly around her and eyes peered out from  
inanimate objects. She heard her music cue started as she walked closer to the edge of the stage in her flowing white dress.

"Did you lose your way returning home?" Her voice was solemn as if she were speaking to the spirits.  
"Did you want to stay when it came time to go home?...  
"Oh, why do you fill up my mind?  
"You're only a shadow...  
"Only an echo in time...

"Shadows and light..." Her voice was beautiful as she sang her heart out.  
"Shadows and light..." The ghosts did her back up as the eyes watched her.  
"Nothing is black; nothing is white...  
"We are apart of each other forever...  
"Passing through shadows and light..." Her voice and that of the ghosts came together in harmony.

"Are you real or are you just a dream?" Lara continued alone.  
"I feel like your standing so close to me...  
"Trying to show me the way...  
"But it's so hard to hear you...  
"Though your just a whisper away..." She continued singing.

"Shadows and light..."  
"Shadows and light..." The ghosts added as they floated around her.  
"Shadows and light..."  
"Shadows and light..." Lara was facing them as they stared upon her.  
"Nothing is black; nothing is white...  
"We are apart of each other forever...  
"Passing through shadows and light...  
"We are apart of each other forever...  
"Passing through shadows and light..." The music started fading away with the ghosts as the audience started applauding and whistling. Lara grinned out to her Muppet fans knowing that if her series was ever truly gone, she could sing on Broadway. She grinned and bowed to her audience.

"Hi ho and welcome to the end of another Muppet Show," Kermit stood out on stage. "And let's just have another big round of applause for the person who made it possible, our guest, Mrs.  
Lara Parker, yay!" He over-enthusiastically cheered waving his arms to her.

"Thank you, Kermit." Lara stood out on stage in her dress from the final act surrounded by horror-themed Muppets and monsters. "I had such a wonderful time here. In fact, I think I've had a big impact on everyone…" She looked round to all her Muppet escorts as they all opened their mouths to fake vampire teeth.

"And we had a wonderful time having you..." Kermit agreed as the theme music started off stage. "And as a token of out our appreciation, here's a little Muppet version of yourself..." He gestured to a short blonde human looking Muppet with long blonde hair and big blue eyes and high cheekbones who wore an old fashioned dress.

"Wonderful!" Lara grinned at her tiny clone. "Someone to do my laundry at home." She watched as Muppet Angelique pulled out a little book. "What's she doing?"

"I'm looking for an appropriate curse..." Muppet Angelique looked up and answered to her human counterpart as a few ghosts floated from backstage.

"And what do you ghosts want now?" Kermit asked them.

"What else?" One of them looked up. "We want Mrs. Parker's autograph!"

"Just sign under Nancy Barrett's signature!" Another ghost called out pushing forward a pad and pen. He grinned as another infatuated fan.

"Oh brother, I never knew Dark Shadows had fans both here and in the afterlife..." Kermit sighed and turned to the audience. "Be with us here next time when our big guest will be Benny Hill. Good night everybody!" The music swelled and the music got louder as it drowned out their voices. Animal pounded his drums and Floyd played his guitar as the theme wound to a  
close and the camera angle turned to the balcony above the stage usually occupied by Statler and Waldorf. Two ghosts were looking through it.

"Where'd the two old geezers go?" One ghost asked another one.

"I dunno..." The first one said. "I just said hi and they both jumped over the edge!" They looked over the edge of the balcony as someone in the band hit the final note.

END


End file.
